he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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