Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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