You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize