Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Ketchup is God's man juice
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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