In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This baby is an asshole
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
