everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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