I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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