I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
