TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
