Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
