if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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