You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize