Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
