I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
