dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
