I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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