she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
