Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
