Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
