false alarm. still invincible.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
