Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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