Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
