dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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