someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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