I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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