And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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