so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
