plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
