note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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