Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
