oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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