and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
