Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
