I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
