where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
