It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
