I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
