Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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