were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize