Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
