You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
