Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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