matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
