As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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