Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
