I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
