Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
