I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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