Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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