Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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