I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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