did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
