You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
