so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
