sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize