Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
