I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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