What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
