I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
