Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
