Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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